Dead Man Walkin'
by ohdearno
Summary: After the events that occurred at the Maitland's house, Ortho attempts to sue the Deetez and brings upon the wrath of the media. In a hasty decision, Delia decides to get rid of the press by calling upon our dearly departed and beloved ghost w/ the most
1. Chapter 1

Movieverse since I've never had cable and I was too young when it was on broadcast television ~_^

Note Also: This is my first fanfiction (which you'd probably figure out on your own) so feel free to hold my ego at gunpoint ^_^ Though my ego tends to prefer whips and chains and being tied to bedposts ~_^

Thank You's: WithoutHesitation and Opal Lynn for making Beetlejuice fanfictions so well written, wonderful and inspiring...and so seemingly (and misleadingly *sob*) easy to accomplish -_-

Drew's Script o' Rama – this offered some sort of reference. Though the characters are based off of those in the movie, I think I may have changed their personalities a bit-_-

Most Important Note: I do not own Beetlejuice, Tim Burton (if I did, Sweeney Todd – a la Burton - and Big Fish – his one 'happy' movie - would have never existed), Warner Brothers (if I did, Tweety would finally be DEAD), Fanfictiondotnet (man, I am not nearly clever/sick enough to even try to claim owning the site...) or the English language. But that does not mean I can not butcher anything connected to the items mentioned above^_^ Especially since I do not earn anything except more wasted hours on the computer. Try suing _that,_ beotches!

Summary: After the events that occurred at the Maitland's house, Ortho attempts to sue the Deetz (in yet another one of his Brillant Plans © to gain fame and funds) and in the process brings a hoard of media folk upon them. In a hasty decision, Delia decides to get rid of the press once and for all by calling upon our dearly departed (and beloved) "ghost with the most"

_________

"Is it true that you married off your daughter so you could keep the house? And how much_ did _Hugh Heifner pay for the dowry?" asked a reporter before Delia slammed a door on his face.

"Damn Ortho! I'm sending him another cow heart in the mail!" she yelled while taking off her stelletos in time to the beat of media men pounding on the door. This has become the norm lately since Ortho regained his status as a Paranormal Expert (as he had been before the crash in '72). By exploiting the disasters that had occurred at the Maitland's house he not only elevated into higher social circles but also regularly fueled many tabloids with accusations against the Deetezs, claiming they housed a brothel, married off their underage daughter and are carrying unimaginably bad pieces of art.

"How's Delia?" Barbara whispered to Lydia while eyeing her stepmother hesitantly.

"I think she might be alright, considering. She's not spazzing out so easily, even with the blood hounds. Maybe Conneticut air is the miracle cure to the mind altering chemicals in New York smog."

"Well, you know her best but she seems about ready to blow," Adam said, exchanging a look with Barbara.

"What can I say about Charles' taste in women?"

On cue, as if to prove the point, one of Delia's scluptures smashed against a wall, leaving the artist responsible for its creation, as well as destruction, panting in the hallway with a disheveled look.

"I've had it! They're not afraid of us! They're not afraid of lawyers! They're not afraid of homicidal threats or fire! I want them out! And if there's only one freaking bio-exercorsit that can do the job, so help me god, I am getting him!!"

"NO!"

"Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!" It was too late. The die had been cast, the wheels of fate were turning, and nothing could stop the events that had been set in motion. Namely Beetlejuice appearing, his fists at his sides, face upwards, bellowing --

"1,576 bottles of beer on the wall! 1,576 bottles of beer – MY EYES!! Blast me eyes, I'm free!" Barbara and Adam began to say his name when he flicked baseball sized bubblegum into their open mouths without looking around. "YEAH! Though never asked Miss Argentina's number. Oh well. Who the heck got me out anyway?" He spun around, taking in a second guessing Delia, a nervous wreck Charles, the horrified Maitlands and stopping dead in his tracks before a frozen Lydia.

He paused. "You." He grimaced and looked to the floor. Lydia looked side to side before pointing to herself and asking, "...Me?"

"You know, I really thought we had something going, I was on cloud nine - naked angels singing, the whole bit – planning our house with the white picket fence, dog shit on the lawn, cable with every porno channel, membership to the NRA. Thought we'd go on walks together and have really hot sex outside to get some fresh air. But I forgot you're an American and "husband and wife" doesn't mean anything anymore and instead of me showing you MY snake you went for another - so I guess all that's left to say is that NOW YOU'RE REALLY GONNA PAY!!"


	2. Chapter 2

Note: I own nothing! Nothing I tell you! You'll never take me alive, ahhahahaha!

Lydia looked helplessly at the Maitlands furiously chewing their way through the bubblegum wads and at her father and step mother strategically remaining silent for their own sakes. It seemed as if bodies were about to hit the floor. And dealing with Beetlejuice in the Afterlife – didn't _that_ just sound like fun?

"What do you want?" Lydia asked as calmly as she could. Maybe reasoning would work. Riiiight.

"What do I - hey, lady! Maybe some answers? You like waiting in the dentist's office? Knowing so many hours are slipping away?!"

"What do you care? You're dead! You're not going anywhere anyway." _Not my problem..._ Lydia thought. _As long as you stay away._

"Time is time sweetcheeks. Not everyone wants to treat their house as a coffin." Barbara gave out a muffled cry of indignation, while Adam glared. "And as much as I'm enjoying our first argument as a married couple, we really must get the fuck going."

"Mar- wha?" Lydia giggled in disbelief. "We're not – you were eaten - And there is no way I'd be known as -"

"Want to be Ms. Ditz forever, eh?"

"Excuse me?"

"Though Dicks is more appropriate. Better yet, Dykes."

"Bastar-"

And like a curse, they vanished from the Maitland's home. From Connecticut. From Surburbia. To one of the many other places where the sun don't shine.

______________________________________________________

"-ard. Where are we?! What have you done?! ! 'Holey Whorehouse' – what the hell?!"

"Giving you the grand tour, babes. Figured for our Honeymoon we'd visit the Underworld's most popular tourist destination."

Lydia stared at the shops and sights in front of her. "The red light district?"

"I must say, the street lights bring out the death in you."

Lydia spun around, looking for a dark corner to scurry to, only to be bombarded by more views of bare breasted demonettes and scandelous shops – including one called "Zombie Escort Service" with the tagline, "_Just Like When You Were Alive_". They were in the plaza's center, with various streets branching off into completely opposite directions. Ripped awnings and dusty windows were illuminated enough so a passerby could get a general idea of what sort of time they would be in for were they to enter. Beetlejuice inched closer to her.

"You're the only thing alive that matters to me," he sang out in an imitation of a drunken Frank Sinatra with emphasema. Lydia huddled closer to herself, checking to see whether there was some sort of police enforcement agency patroling the area that she could possibly turn to for help. Though, even then, she wasn't so sure they would do more harm than good. What were the laws anyway? Though any place that would allow Beetlejuice to get away with half the crap he pulled couldn't really claim to have any laws. And it had been so long since she read Handbook for the Recently Deceased....

"One look at you would give any fully fleshed man a borner so hard, they would turn into a skeleton."

Lydia paused and sneered. Beetlejuice materialized and took a wiff of dying flowers which emitted a fragance similar to duran, before holding them out to Lydia.

"I dream of banging everyone in this area – but not as much as you, toots."

Lydia realized that in her attempts to literally back away from Beetlejuice's advances, she had unknowingly approached a very sleazy hotel.

"I am not going in there, asshole!" she faced Beetlejuice squarely, raising a fist. "Back off, Beetlejuice!"

Waiddaminute, she thought and gleefully shouted, "BeetlejuiceBeetlejuice!" Then frowned. "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice!"

"Darling!" Beetlejuice smothered her in a tight hug, pressing her chest close to him while grabbing her ass. Which triggered her New York Ninja Skillz, otherwise known as 'kneeing nuts' or, more fondly, 'peanut butter'.


End file.
